The Dopiest Hufflepuffs
by egyptianriver
Summary: James and Sirius meet before Hogwarts and things change. AU. JPLE SBRL Slash.
1. Prologue: The Sorting

Sirius Black plonked the sorting hat on his head. He flinched when he heard the voice.

"Ahh," it said, "A Black and a very curious one at that. Not in the same mould as the rest of the family at all."

At the mention of his family, Sirius abruptly remembered the plan.

"Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw, please Mister Hat. Uh, do you have a name?" he asked, suddenly curious. He felt the Hat bend and flex in surprise.

"Don't think I've heard that question before. Why do you ask?"

"I, uh," Sirius reminded himself that the next seven years being bearable relied on the Hat and it would be best not to offend. "I wanted to be polite." He smiled his most charming smile.

"Hmm, Slytherin reasoning if ever I heard it."

"No, no, Ravenclaw," Sirius protested desperately.

"It really would suit you better than Ravenclaw. Any of the other three would be more suitable than Ravenclaw."

"Why, I like learning stuff? I read books."

"You have no love of knowledge for it's own sake, Sirius Black."

"I can learn, or fake it."

"No, no, no. You would never settle down among Rowena's ravens. For all your curiosity, you're an engineer, not a scientist. And aren't those interestingly Muggle terms for a Black to know."

Sirius glared up at the hat and thought as hard as he could about the library in his mother's house. In his heart though he knew it was hopeless, his brother like knowing things, Sirius liked doing things. Setting his jaw, he thought loudly at the Hat,

"Ravenclaw."

"Well young Black, I don't like students to be unhappy, perhaps if you explain your reasoning I can help."

Something in the way the Hat spoke suggested he knew, but Sirius was being polite so he said,

"I want to be with James. He can't get sorted into Slytherin 'cause he wouldn't be safe. My cousin Bellatrix can be foul enough on her own; the snakes would slaughter Jay. And I won't be allowed into Gryffindor. So we decided to get into Ravenclaw together. So you see I've fucking _got_ to be in Ravenclaw."

"Language Mr Black."

"Oh, sorry."

"A very interesting case."

Something in the Hat's voice made Sirius very nervous. He decided to cut his losses.

"Not Slytherin," he thought, "Please not Slytherin."

"Any particular reason, Mr Black?"

"Any other house and I can at least stay friends with James, but if I go into Slytherin we'll have to be enemies."

"Very well," said the hat implacably, "Loyalty is your one defining trait. You know what that means?"

Sirius cringed, he did know what that meant and his family would not be happy.

"It's worth it," he said, "If I can stay friends with Jay, it's worth it."

"You leave me no choice."

"Go on then."

"HUFFLEPUFF."

-

James twisted anxiously on the spot as he watched Sirius and the Sorting Hat. Sirius was his very best friend and they wanted to be in the same house more than anything.

His parents didn't like Sirius. His mother referred to him as 'that Black boy' and blamed him for James' mischievous streak. If James' father hadn't been trying to negotiate a settlement with Sirius' father, the two of them would never even have met.

They had overheard enough tail-ends of conversations to know both sets of parents expected their 'unsuitable familiarity' would come to an end once they reached Hogwarts. If Sirius ended up in Slytherin James just knew his parents would never have him in the house again and would expect James to drop all association with him. Even more terrifying was that Sirius could be so different around his family that James had the dim inkling that he wouldn't _want_ to associate with a Slytherin Sirius.

Sirius was his almost brother and James refused to let the Hogwarts House system separate them. He'd offered to try and get into Slytherin but Sirius had turned him down flat, claiming even _he_ didn't want to be in Slytherin. James was glad about that because Sirius' older cousins and their friends made him very nervous. James' parents' reactions to Sirius proved it was useless to attempt getting Sirius into Gryffindor, so they had decided to pin their hopes on Ravenclaw.

Unfortunately James could tell from the expression on Sirius' face that things weren't going well. When his mouth fixed into a tight, resigned line, James knew Ravenclaw was out, although he didn't think it was as bad as Slytherin.

So he wasn't completely surprised when the hat said,

"HUFFLEPUFF."

But it did shock him because he'd never imagined Sirius as a Puff. Sirius was too bright and brilliant for the leftovers House. With disbelief he watched Sirius take off the Hat and retreat to the Hufflepuff table. There was a brief, strained round of applause and the Deputy Headmistress hurried on with the Sorting.

As he contemplated what he should do now, James was struck by the inane thought that Sirius and hard work really did not mix. James didn't mix well with hard work either and the treacherous idea snuck into his mind that he didn't actually have to sign up for Hufflepuff. Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs could associate with each other. And after all, it was Sirius who had broken their deal by failing to get into Ravenclaw.

He'd almost convinced himself, when he looked up to see how Sirius was doing at the Hufflepuff table. His best friend was hunched at the very end of the table, under the other Hufflepuffs' sharp, suspicious glances.

As if aware James was watching him, Sirius looked up and caught his eye. His best friend forced a smile, nodded his head and then flicked it in the direction of the Gryffindor table.

James shook his head violently without even thinking about it.

Sirius nodded again.

James shook his head again and glared for good measure.

Sirius glared back.

Suddenly Sirius' attention switched from their staring contest to the front of the room.

"James Potter," said Professor McGonagall, and James was abruptly aware she'd repeated his name at least twice. "Mr Potter would you please join us on the stage."

"Uh sorry," he said pushing his way to the front of the crowd. Setting his shoulders against the roars of laughter, James took his place on the stool and placed the hat on his head.

"Ah ha," said the Hat, "A Potter."

"Hufflepuff please," said James.

"Very decisive. Are you sure? You could be in Gryffindor you know?"

"No thank you." Somehow, now he had Sirius' permission, slinking off to the Gryffindor table was no longer an option. And really, he thought, how much fun would Gryffindor be anyway, without his best friend by his side.

"If you're certain then."

"I am."

"HUFFLEPUFF."

"Thank you."

James removed the hat and crossed to Hufflepuff table surrounded by laughter and whispers of,

"Doesn't even know his own name, no wonder he's a Hufflepuff."

The round of applause from the Puffs was even more desultory than Sirius' as James took a seat beside his best friend. Sirius shot him an evil look.

"What the hell did you do that for, Potter."

"Hey," said James, feeling ridiculously calm, "We said we'd stick together. You haven't cornered the market on stubbornness Black."

"Idiot," scowled Sirius, but he straightened out of his dejected huddle and bumped his shoulder against James'.

"No I'm not," said James with the peace of having made the right choice.

Sirius thumped him on the back, then dropped his fork on the floor and burrowed after it with determination of someone who doesn't know what to say and wouldn't say it if he did. James followed him.

"You're my best friend, you idiot."

"Yeah, who else would break both their legs with you while trying to do a handstand on a moving broomstick. Twice."

"Exactly," said James, pleased that Sirius got it. "But we nailed it in the end, didn't we?"

"Sure did."

"Potter, Black, get out from under the table and stop making a laughing-stock your House," hissed an annoyed voice.

"Huh?" They emerged to the chilly looks of their fellow-Hufflepuffs to find the Sorting was over and the Headmaster standing on lectern.

"Thank you for joining us Mr Black, Mr Potter, if I may begin."

"Oh do go ahead," said Sirius congenially.

James, who had learned very early in their acquaintance not to use rhetorical questions around Sirius, briefly closed his eyes. Opening them, he found the chilly looks had gone down several degrees to frosty.

"Thank you Mr Black," said Dumbledore gravely. "I would like to start by welcoming you all to Hogwarts…"

James didn't pay much attention to the rest of the speech. Belatedly he realised he was going to have to owl his parents and tell them he'd been sorted into Hufflepuff. Sirius was going a little green around the gills, so he knew his best friend was thinking the same thing.

He bumped his shoulder into Sirius' and whispered,

"Together."

Sirius swallowed and managed a weak smile.

-

Sirius' mother sent him a letter full of obscenities that James only let him read after Sirius pointed out he'd hear it all when he went home anyway.

James' parents didn't send anything at all. That was almost worse.


	2. The Dopiest Hufflepuffs

Just thought I ought to mention if the SBRL didn't give it away, this is slash, and fluffy slash at that. Oh and the JPLE means it's also not slash, but still fluffy.

You have been warned.

-

-

The Dopiest Hufflepuffs

-

Remus nudged Lily's elbow. When she looked up from her study of '1001 Uses of Garlic', he lent closer and whispered,

"Your admirer is back." He tilted his head surreptitiously towards the back of library. Lily flicked at her hair, arching her neck so she could glance in the direction he'd indicated. As she'd expected James Potter sat there watching her with a moony-eyed expression. His head, black hair a shaggy mess, was propped up on his gawky arms and his glasses were sliding down his nose to reveal wistful hazel eyes.

She elbowed Remus sharply.

"Don't call him that."

"Why not? The poor guy's looked at you as if you were made out of pure gold since our first year."

"Yes but…" Lily began before tailing off because Remus had spoken nothing but the truth and although she found it embarrassing she couldn't help being a little proud too.

"And have you ever said a kind word to him? Or any word at all come to that?"

"That is not my fault," Lily hissed back. "I have spoken to him, more than once, but he blushes and stammers so badly we do nothing but mortify each other."

"He's just shy about talking to his goddess," teased Remus, "Merlin knows I found you alarming in our first year."

"You did not."

"I did so." Remus glanced over her shoulder at the object of their discussion and stared to sputter with laughter, "Oh-oh-oh, don't look now but Lily Evans worship is obviously catching."

"What?" Lily demanded. She badly wished she could turn round but she didn't want to make it obvious to the poor boy that they were laughing at him.

"That friend of his, Black, has just joined him and he's looking this way with exactly the same expression of fatuous adoration."

Lily groaned. Time had accustomed her to James Potter admiring her from afar and if she was honest she'd miss the long-range worship if it stopped, but she had absolutely no desire to add to her entourage. Particularly not after Macmillan's inopportune advances.

She kicked Remus' ankle until he composed himself, then artfully twisted and shifted in her chair until she could allow herself a good look behind her. James Potter was watching her, but Sirius Black, who indeed looked idiotically adoring, was watching Remus.

Lily giggled. She gave up all pretence of working and moved closer to Remus to whisper in his ear.

"It's not me Black's interested in."

"Give over Lily, he's looking right here."

"Yeah, but not at me. Black's gone daft over _you_."

"What!"

Lily laughed as Remus' eyes grew round and shocked. He stared over at the two boys, loosing all discretion in his surprise.

"Oh my god, you're right."

"Of course I'm right. You, Remus, have an admirer of your very own."

"Oh my god."

"Hey it's not that bad. I'm surprised there weren't queues around the block after I stupidly outed you to that bastard Macmillan and he told the whole school. For which I apologise again."

"You don't have to. And it's not that, it's just, oh my god."

"Of course now I can get my own back for all those times you teased me about Potter."

"Oh my god," said Remus in quite another tone.

"Uh huh," said Lily happily. "You too will have the pleasure of the dopiest Hufflepuff following you about and tripping over your feet."

"Hey," said Remus, "Your admirer is far dopier than mine."

"Oh and how do you figure that Mister."

"Well mine adores me," Remus made a show of flexing his arm muscles, "Yours only adores you."

"Why you!" Lily dipped her fingers in her ink and flicked them at Remus. Laughing, he cringed back, ducking under the table in mock terror.

After Madam Pince had restored order and Lily was back at work, Remus couldn't help peeking again at Black. It wasn't as if anything could come of it, but after all the funny looks and hard stares he'd received after Macmillan outed him, open appreciation was extremely pleasant.

He'd never paid much attention to Black before, merely considering him an adjunct to the Lily-worshipping Potter. He _had_ noticed that Black was almost overwhelmingly handsome, but Remus had never considered himself shallow and didn't believe a pretty face could make up for monumental stupidity.

And Merlin but the pair of them were thick. Smethley in Ravenclaw called them Exhibits A and B in the case against inbreeding. Snape claimed they were un-insultable; certainly his sharp-tongued barbs never seemed to penetrate their armour of wide-eyed incomprehension. The Hufflepuffs had comprehensively disowned them, not that it seemed to dent their amiable denseness.

In their own way, Remus supposed, the dopiest Hufflepuffs were really quite extraordinary.

Managing to actually turn up in the correct classroom seemed to exhaust all Black and Potter's reserves of brainpower. They were reliably on the wrong page in the textbook, gaped blankly whenever the Professor asked them a question and seemed completely disconnected from the lesson.

Of course there were those times when they famously turned up at the wrong classroom. Their conversation with Professor Sangrail, after one occasion when they were third years and had sat through three-quarters of a Seventh year lecture before they'd been discovered, had gone down in Hogwarts legend.

The poor Potions Professor, practically incoherent in disbelief, had finally managed to splutter.

"But didn't it dawn on you there was something wrong when you realised you couldn't understand anything."

"Oh no," said Black with a cheerfully vacant smile, "We never understand anything anyway."

"Except for the Potions lesson this morning," corrected Potter, "I think I got most of that."

"That," bellowed the Professor, "Was a first year class."

"Ahh," said Black, enlightened, "That explains it then."

"Imbeciles," shrieked the elegant Professor, his sangfroid completely deserting him, "Heathens. Leave my classroom and never return."

The rumour mill said that Dumbledore had to threaten to fire Professor Sangrail to make him agree to take them back. The rumour mill had no idea how Potter and Black managed to pass their OWLs. The most popular theory was that their fathers, unwilling for their heirs to fail publicly, simply bribed the examiners.

"You're staring."

"What?" Remus snapped back to himself as Lily poked him with her quill.

"I said you're staring. And looking ever bit as blank as our dopey admirers."

"Sorry, I guess I'm still a bit stunned."

"Well get unstunned, it's nearly time for Transfiguration." Remus looked round to see Lily was starting to gather up her books and parchment.

"Okay. Should we warn our admirers?"

"No, Potter's already packing up. It's probably just as well they have Transfiguration with us, or they'd end up in the wrong lesson again."

"I was just thinking about that actually."

"Do you remember Fourth year?" Lily covered her face with her hands, "I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed in my life."

Remus giggled. In the Fourth year the dopiest Hufflepuffs had finally managed to figure out the concept of a timetable. Unfortunately they'd decided to follow the _Gryffindor_ Fourth year timetable.

"But I like looking at Evans," he whined in a dreadful imitation of Potter's pure-blooded drawl.

Lily, still hiding her face, shook her head. "I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me."

"You loved it really."

"Maybe just a bit." Lily still wasn't looking at him. "It wasn't that long after Macmillan's carrots slander. My hair is _not_ carroty."

Remus knew better than to repeat his less than inspired 'no, it's more tomatoy' attempt at consolation. Back in Fourth year that had just made Lily cry harder and thump him too.

"But Macmillan made a great turnip," he said instead.

Lily gurgled with laughter. "He made an absolutely stupendous turnip. He's got a turnipy sort of face when you think about it."

"He has, hasn't he?"

"Yep. If I knew who the mysterious prankster was I'd have kissed them."

"You…" Remus was cut off by an almighty clatter. Spinning around he saw Potter's gangly limbs had come to grief again; he'd managed to upset his pile of books all over Madam Pince's desk.

"Sorry Madam," stuttered Potter, grabbing at the books. On flailing arm caught the library's elaborate inkwell and sent black ink slopping across the counter.

"Stop try-ing to hel-p," said Madam Pince with the glacial calm of the homicidally inclined.

"Sorry." Potter jerked away and brought the filing system down with him.

"Out!" shrieked Madam Pince, "Now!"

Potter ducked his head apologetically and scurried backwards out the door to join Black in the corridor.

"Can we help at all, Madam Pince," said Remus.

"No," snapped the librarian. She turned around and saw who'd spoken. "I'm sorry Remus, but right now I don't want to see any students. Ever. Again."

"Yes Madam." He and Lily left her to fix her ruined desk and hurried out the library. Potter and Black had already disappeared.

"Those two are a total menace," said Lily.

"Not arguing," said Remus.

They didn't see them again until Transfiguration. Remus couldn't help twisting in his front seat until he could see Black tucked away at the very back.

Neither Black or Potter were making the slightest attempt at turning their hedgehogs into hairbrushes. Potter was feeding his bits of a broken biscuit. Black held his in one hand and was petting its tiny face with the other. It was easily the happiest hedgehog in the room.

Sadly Professor McGonagall didn't seem to feel this was an achievement.

"Mr Black, Mr Potter, would you at least _try_ to begin your transfiguration."

"Sorry Professor," said Black, "But Freckles doesn't feel like being a hairbrush today."

Remus thought his hedgehog, curled into a tight defensive ball, would have sympathy with that viewpoint. Professor McGonagall didn't. She closed her eyes tightly, muttered something under her breath and stalked away. Black tickled his hedgehog's stomach and filched some of Potter's biscuit to feed it.

"Mr Lupin, why have you not made a start on this assignment?"

Abruptly recalled to the task in hand Remus stammered an apology.

"I'm sorry Professor, I just can't seem to manage to make a start."

"Hmm," said Professor McGonagall. "Items often develop a natural resistance to transfiguration after a period of time as test subjects. This shouldn't have happened with these creatures yet, but let me clear it's Milikan's Transfiguration Matrix for you just in case." She tapped the hedgehog twice with her wand and uttered a spell in sonorous Latin. "There you go Mr Lupin, now try again."

Remus guiltily gave his work his full attention and soon had a smart hairbrush with an unfortunate tendency to curl into ball, in place of his hedgehog. Looking at Black, who was absorbed in trying to teach his tricks, he wasn't convinced the exchange was for the better.

Professor McGonagall moved around the class marking their efforts. She pointedly ignored Black and Potter's table. Returning to the front of the room, she clapped her hands once for attention.

"All right then class, please try and transfigure your hairbrushes back into hedgehogs."

Somehow this seemed to be even harder. Remus did his best but his hedgehog was left with soft rubber bristles. Lily's refused to grow legs again. Eventually Professor McGonagall put them out of their misery and called for their attention.

"Right everybody, you will bring your attempts up to the front desk and return them to their cage. I will mark your hedgehogs on their accuracy."

After Remus had returned his still rubberised hedgehog, he drifted to the door of the classroom and waited there. Now that he'd started watching Black he wanted to see more. There was definitely something interesting about the dopiest Hufflepuffs.

Lily joined him there and they exchanged self-conscious glances. Neither of them said anything.

Eventually, they'd been at the back of the queue, Black presented his hedgehog to Professor McGonagall.

"Zero, Mr Black."

Black clutched the hedgehog closer.

"But Freckles is a perfect specimen of a hedgehog," he protested.

"Of course he is Mr Black. He was never anything else."

"See Freckles," he soothed, "She didn't mean to insult you."

"Mr Black… oh why do I bother. Just return the creature to its cage."

Black peered dubiously into the cage teeming with slightly mangled hedgehogs.

"I don't think Freckles would like it in there. They don't look very friendly to me."

"For heaven's sake Mr Black, it is a hedgehog. Return it to the cage at once."

"Do you want to go in there, Freckles?"

The little creature's whole body seemed to wiggle from side to side in negation. Black petted it and fed it some more biscuit. Then he looked up at McGonagall.

"I told you he wouldn't like it Professor."

"Mr Black I do not care about the mythical wishes of the animal. It will go back in the cage or spend the rest of its life as a hairbrush." Her wand waved threateningly.

Black's eyes widened and his mouth dropped as his face contorted into a mask of horror. He bent his head and curled his whole body around the hedgehog in his arms.

"It's okay Freckles," he whispered loudly enough that Remus could hear him at the back of the room, "I won't let the nasty lady get you."

Professor McGonagall's eyes narrowed and she opened her mouth. Unable to simply watch the unfolding disaster, Remus hurried forwards.

"Uh Professor."

Professor McGonagall turned to him with fiercely strained patience. "Yes Mr Lupin."

"Um well, since Black's become attached to his hedgehog and all, why doesn't he just keep it. He can let it go in the Forbidden Forest or something."

Remus cringed under his Head of House's glare.

"Hear that Freckles," said Black, "You can stay with me, isn't that great." He looked up and Remus took the full force of his beaming grin in the gut.

"Err good plan, Remus" said Lily, sounding rather doubtful but nobly attempting to back him up.

Black lifted Freckles up and balanced him on his left shoulder.

"There you are. So you can see where we're going." His glance fell on the hedgehog still in Potter's hands and he cast a deeply suspicious look at Professor McGonagall. "Widget comes too?" he checked.

"If that is what it takes to get you out of this classroom, you may take both the hedgehogs with my good wishes."

"Cool," said Potter and promptly perched Widget on his right shoulder.

"Let's go," said Remus hastily, "Or we'll be late for the next class."

Black and Potter grabbed their book bags with small grunts of effort and cheerfully followed them, hedgehogs still riding proud on their shoulders.

Next class was Potions. Professor Sangrail no sooner glimpsed the hedgehogs and than he shouted,

"Those creatures are not coming in here."

"Professor," said Potter reproachfully, "That's not a nice thing to say about Snape and Rookwood, they can't help the way they look."

"He wasn't talking about us, dim-wit," snarled Snape as he and Rookwood shoved past the dopiest Hufflepuffs.

"Careful there, old man," said Black, "You'll start getting a reputation for a bad-temper."

The whole class choked as Snape's bad temper was almost as proverbial as Potter and Black's dopiness.

"It's not his fault Sirius."

"Well of course not. It's just such a shame the wind changed on him and he got stuck like that."

"Very sad case," said Potter shaking his head comiseratingly.

Snape was slowly turning an ugly purple colour and now his wand started to twitch threateningly. Remus shifted until he could draw his wand easily. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Lily had her hand on her wand.

Professor Sangrail regained control. "Mr Snape, Mr Rookwood sit down. There will be no foolish wand-waving in my class, thank you." Snape put his wand away with very bad grace. Remus and Lily relaxed.

"Mr Black, Mr Potter if those hedgehogs of yours come in this classroom they will be used for Potions ingredients."

"Not Freckles," said Black, putting one hand up protectively and looking rather sick.

"Professor McGonagall said we could release them in the Forbidden Forest," said Potter hastily.

"That's right Professor," said Lily, "She did."

Remus stared at her.

"Well she did, you heard too, Remus."

"Fine," said Professor Sangrail. "Black, Potter, take those animals away and dispose of them. Do not bother to return. It will be a pleasure to have one lesson free from exploding cauldrons."

"Come on Widget," said Potter, "You'd just get bored in Potions if there aren't going to be any exploding cauldrons."

Professor Sangrail closed his eyes and pretended not to hear.

Lily giggled and lent over to whisper to Remus. "I think Sangril's thrown them out of more lessons than they've attended. He's just looking for excuses now."

Remus smiled and nodded in agreement. Privately he agreed with Potter, Potions was much less interesting without exploding cauldrons.


	3. Sneaky Hufflepuffs?

Thank you for al your reviews. I'm sorry it wasn't clear but this takes place in their sixth year.

Sneaky Hufflepuffs

-

As soon as they were out of sight of the classroom, James Potter heaved his bookbag up into his arms.

"Geez but this weighs a ton, I thought you were going to increase the weightless charm Sirius."

"I did," said his best friend, hauling his own bag into his arms. "But I had to increase the capacity charm so much, if I'd have done the same for weightlessness, it would have overloaded the fabric's spell retention abilities. And then we'd have been in a right mess."

"Oh well, at least Sangrail was his reliable self."

"Have you noticed how his left eye starts to twitch as soon as he sees us?"

"Yep," said James with no small satisfaction. The Potions Professor had originally been especially contemptuous of them but they'd had the man on the run since they were thirteen.

"I feel a bit sorry for Madam Pince though, she's usually really nice to us."

"Then she shouldn't be so picky about people borrowing books."

"It would have been easier if we could have snitched the books one or two at a time," he agreed.

"Not to mention lighter." James held his bag out for emphasis.

"Actually, when you think about it, she _deserves_ having to straighten up her desk for putting us to all this trouble."

"Exactly. Not to mention I had to act like a total klutz in front of Lily."

"But Jay, you do that naturally anyway."

James wished he had a hand free to punch the condescension off his best friend's face. "I do not."

"You do so. One glance from the lovely Miss Evans' green eyes and you have all the coordination of a drunken Centaur."

"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

"I'll have you know I'm a Black. By definition I'm always graceful and sophisticated."

"Sirius, you have a hedgehog on your shoulder."

"So? Freckles is a graceful and sophisticated hedgehog."

"If you say so."

"Don't listen to him Freckles, he's just jealous."

"Yeah, well now Lupin's started noticing you, let's see if you can remain composed while he watches you with his brown eyes."

"Of course I will. And they're not brown, they're a sort of golden hazel."

James snorted with amusement.

"Oh shut up, we're definitely into glass house territory now."

Knowing neither he or Sirius had a leg to stand on when it came to obsessing about the objects of their affection, James kept quiet.

A minute later Sirius wheedled, "Ja-ay?"

"Yes Sirius."

"Lupin. He really was noticing me, wasn't he?"

"Yes he was. Though given you were staring at him like he was a box of Honeydukes' finest, he could hardly fail to."

Sirius blushed.

James sighed and shifted his bag so he could rub at the bridge of nose. "So you reckon it was us they were laughing at?"

"I don't care," said Sirius fiercely. "I haven't seen him laugh, not properly, since that bastard Macmillan outed him. Lupin was so dignified about it, just admitting it was true as calm as anything, but it must have hurt like hell. So, as long as he's laughing again, I don't care if it's at me."

"The rest of Hogwarts will laugh too."

"Hah," he scoffed derisively, "They've been doing that since we were sorted. And he's been so pinched and miserable. I thought he might feel better knowing someone liked him, even it's only a dopey Hufflepuff."

"You're probably right."

"S'worth it then," he said, not looking at James.

"You know, you're something special Sirius Black."

"Yeah right."

"You are." James gritted his teeth, one day he would convince Sirius. "Lupin doesn't know what he's missing."

"Neither does Evans. Mind you, the girl is certifiably loopy; asking Macmillan out, of all people."

"Actually, I've been thinking about that, and I don't reckon she did."

"Eh?"

"Think about it. She's never displayed much of a partiality for him even though he's the Gryffindor golden boy. We've seen her take him to task for bullying more than once."

"True."

"But she's easily the prettiest girl in school."

Sirius rolled his eyes but let thankfully let the comment pass.

"So I think he was the one who asked her out and she turned him down."

Sirius gasped. "And the little snot is just the sort who'd make it her fault. Just because she has the taste not to favour a bridge troll with the manners of a bandersnatch."

"Exactly. So he went round telling everybody he turned her down, because she's such close friends with Lupin and Lupin is gay. I mean, does that even make sense? No, what I think happened is she told Macmillan to take a hike and that she preferred Lupin to him."

"Yeah I can see that. And of course his Highness couldn't tolerate that. Bastard. So he got back at Lupin by outing him, and got back at Evans by saying she was blind enough to ask him on a date."

"Uh Sirius, I think he was getting back at Evans by saying he turned her down."

"How does demonstrating his complete lack of taste put Evans down?"

Sirius had been playing guilelessly thick for far too long, James decided, when it took him a moment of studying his best friend's earnestly wide grey eyes before he could tell Sirius was fooling around.

"Idiot," he said roughly.

Sirius' lower lip started to tremble and he blinked rapidly.

"You have no idea how much I wish I could do that, I always end up looking as I'm going off into spasms."

All suggestion of immanent tears vanished as Sirius grinned widely. "But you can pull off ingenuous indignation. If I try that I always get an attack of the giggles."

"I don't know what you mean," he said, lifting his chin and striking an attitude.

"That's it exactly."

Smiling, James relaxed again. Privately he wished he could drop their pose for long enough to pound some manners into Macmillan. It was bad enough when the lout harassed Sirius but going after Evans was completely beyond the pale. Lily Evans ought to have nothing but the best.

She was utterly perfect. So beautiful just the sight of her made the breath catch in the back of his throat. And so nice, which was such an insipid word, but she _was_. Even the Slytherins liked her, though it would take Cruciatus to make any of them admit it. Kind-hearted as well, too kind to tell him to shove off, even when he embarrassed her. She did have a ferocious temper, but James, who had been dealing with Sirius' turbulence for years, found it rather sweet. Frankly she was at her most gorgeous when her red hair seemed to crackle with energy and her green eyes flashed with fury

"Jay, James, Jamiekins."

James started as he realised Sirius was calling his name and clicking his fingers in front of his face.

"What?" he snapped, annoyed at being wrenched from his Lily-dreams.

"Phew," said Sirius, hoisting his bag back up into his arms, "Honestly, sometimes you're as dippy as Hogwarts thinks you are."

"What do you want anyway?" he grumbled.

"I want action," Sirius mimed drawing a sword and flourishing it in the air, "The people we esteem have been distressed by a foul knave and my hot blood cries out for vengeance. Freckles will stand my friend. Will you and Widget back us?"

James couldn't help laughing. "Now who's being dippy? But you're right, it looks like this is a job for the Marauders."

Sirius bayed softly like a hound picking up a scent.

-

With sighs of relief they spotted the Statue of the Seeress and, after checking both ways for stray students, activated the secret passage beneath her feet and disappeared into the darkness. As soon as the door closed above their heads, James dumped his heavy bag of books and drew his wand.

"_Lumonos._"

"So what do you want to do then?" asked Sirius, "Something technical?"

"No, that will take too long. We want something quick and dirty. If we think up something cool later on, we can do that too. He hurt Evans _and_ Lupin, after all."

"Excellent," said Sirius with a disturbingly vicious smile. James suddenly realised that Sirius was even more upset on Lupin's behalf than he'd realised. But then he remembered how zealously Sirius had guarded the secret of his own sexuality and it started to make sense. In fact when he thought of how Sirius would pay back at Grimmauld Place for outing himself to try and make Lupin feel better, James felt quite vicious himself.

"Right," he said, "Let's leave the bags here and head for the Great Hall. If we're quick we can have something set up for dinner."

"We need to get the books back to the library as soon as possible," said Sirius with the air of one willing to be convinced of the opposite.

"Sear, I comprehensively trashed Madam Pince's tracking system and records while you snuck them out the door. She has no idea the books are even missing. They can wait until tonight."

"Okay then." Sirius dropped his bag of books with a huff of breath. "Let's get to it. Oh wait, Freckles is going to get tired of riding around on my shoulder, I better run him upstairs."

"You don't want to use him in the prank?" teased James.

"Absolutely not." Sirius scooped Freckles protectively into his arms. "That clodhopper Macmillan would probably end up squashing him."

"Old softie."

Sirius called his bluff, "Fine use Widget then."

"Too obvious," he said hastily, "Everyone would know it was us."

His best friend just stared at him. James sighed because he knew exactly what stammered apologies they could offer Macmillan for the 'unfortunate' escape of their hedgehogs, and he knew Sirius knew too.

"Oh all right then, you're not a softie, you're a cruel and vindictive son of a bitch."

"That's better, thank you. Now if you pass me Widget, I'll take them upstairs, while you scout out the Great Hall."

"Be careful with him," he said as he undid the sticking charm that held Widget safely on his shoulder and gently handed him over.

"Course I will be," Sirius paused before adding, "You softie."

"Hey, there's no need for that sort of language."

Sirius just laughed at him. James took blatant advantage of him having his hands full of hedgehogs and cuffed him over the head.

"No fair," he complained.

"My hand slipped," said James blinking innocently.

"I pull that face so much better than you do."

"Far be it from me to shatter your delusions," he said superiorly.

Sirius shook his head dolefully, "So sad to see such senility in one so young."

"Oh be off with you. At this rate dinner will be over before you stop yapping. And bring our notes on Recurring Transfigurations back with you, would you? I've got an idea."

They exchanged evil grins.

-

After seeing Freckles and Widget safely bestowed and collecting their file box of notes, Sirius hurried to rejoin his best friend.

"So?" he challenged.

"Let's get up to the Musician's Gallery and I'll tell you about it."

"Oooh long-range. Okay then. You think anyone will miss us?"

"Sirius, has anyone ever missed us?"

"Well no, but…" Lupin had been paying a lot of attention to him, and had stuck up for Freckles. It was possible he'd notice Sirius was absent, wasn't it?

Unfortunately James, the prat, knew exactly what he was thinking.

"No Sear, Lupin won't miss us either."

"He might," said Sirius without much conviction.

"No. He'll be far too busy laughing at Macmillan."

"True," he said more cheerfully, "Musician's Gallery it is."

The Musician's Gallery ran the full length of Great Hall. It was reached through a discrete door beside the side entrance to the Great Hall. Sirius and James had guessed the door's use from it's position in their First Year but it had taken them another three to work out how to get it open.

They'd never managed it while they were exploring but one day, when they'd been planning how to turn all the Slytherins bright green, Sirius had grown frustrated with the non-working door and thumped it. To their surprise, it had swung open.

It had taken a bit of experimentation but they eventually figured out the door's secret. As long as you planned to provide the Great Hall with entertainment, which luckily included turning Slytherins bright green and pranking stuck-up Gryffindors, the door would open.

Once they were safely out of sight, they both relaxed again. The school corridors were enemy territory but in the hidden places of Hogwarts the Marauders ruled supreme.

"Go on then," Sirius prompted.

"It's not very fancy."

"That's bad."

"But it will look brilliant."

"That's better."

"And it's extremely appropriate."

"Even better. So tell, tell." Sirius bounced up and down impatiently.

"Well," his infuriating best friend drew the word out just to see him squirm, "I was thinking about the time we made Snape's tongue vanish every time he called someone a M, that word."

"That was sheer genius," said Sirius, "And it took Madam Pomfrey three weeks to get rid of it. But we never repeat ourselves."

"No but I think if we just tweak things a little."

Sirius listened eagerly as James finally laid out his plan.

"I suppose it'll do," said as begrudgingly as he could manage.

"Brat. It's perfect and you know it is."

Sirius beamed at his best friend. "Okay, it is perfect. But it will take a while to pull it together."

"We have until dinner."

They set to work.

-

They were ready by the time the main clump of students arrived for their meals. There was a sticky moment when they realised the enchantments on the Musician's Gallery that protected them were designed not to let any spells out either. But Sirius thought very firmly at them about entertainment and managed to coax a gap into appearing.

"Go on then James. Better make it quick."

James flicked his wand delicately and smoothly recited the hex. Sirius could just see the whisp of red magic fly through the air and strike Macmillan squarely on the nose. The other boy swatted at his nose as if disturbed by a fly.

"Direct hit."

"Naturally," said James buffing his fingernails on his robe.

"Now all we have to do is wait. Are you sure we should have put a lie-detecting condition in there."

"It was only fair. Besides the way Macmillan boasts it can't possibly take that long."

A slightly garbled shriek of dismay came from the Gryffindor table.

"Okay," said James, "That was rather faster than I was anticipating."

They scurried to the balustrade and peered over the edge.

Macmillan, still screeching, leapt to his feet, waving his arms frantically as his tongue rolled out of his mouth in an ever lengthening stream. As the whole school watched, it divided at the tip and grew as forked as a snake's.

Professor Sangrail recovered first.

"Don't just stand there boy, take yourself off to the hospital wing and stop interrupting dinner."

Macmillan and his sidekick Pettigrew had no choice but to roll up the still growing tongue and stagger off to Madam Pomfrey's tender mercy. As they passed Lily Evans she managed to stop laughing long enough to say in a voice meant to carry,

"And I thought it was Pinocchio's _nose_ that kept growing when he lied."

The roar of laughter from the Muggle-borns was followed by hasty explanations and even more laughter.

Giggling madly, Sirius and James slid down to sit on the floor.

"That was utterly brilliant," said James rapturously.

"And Evans was superb."

"She was wasn't she," agreed James fondly. "It couldn't have gone better if we'd planned it."

"The girl is a natural prankster. No wonder you like her. Lupin seemed rather chuffed too. James?"

"Yes?"

"Can we go and hang around the Statue of the Galloping Gorgon?"

"I thought we'd agreed I wasn't going to stalk Evans any more."

"You're not, I'm stalking Lupin. Oh please James, just this once. He looks happy but you can't really tell from all the way up here. We needn't even let them know we're there. If I could just see him up close…"

"All right, all right. It's not as if I need convincing to hang around where Evans is going to show up."

"Thanks James."


End file.
